Self Esteem and Special-ness

If you’ve ever read John Green’s An Abundance of Katherines, you will know of the mini existential crisis that the main character, Collin, has, in which throughout the book he slowly begins to realise that he is not quite as special as he would like to be.

I am a smart girl, and I know that, but there’s something in me that always wants to be the smartest, if you know what I mean. Everytime my friends achieve something, I get a niggling feeling in my tummy that it could’ve been me; if I’d TRIED HARDER or if I had PRACTICED MORE or if I had MORE TALENT or if I was PRETTIER. And, while some of these things are under my control, a lot of them aren’t, and I need to realise that.

I take rejection badly, especially in things that I care about, and this often overshadows the achievements of people I care about, in my head. For example, in fifth class, I tried out for Sciath na Scoil, a competition of Irish sports between schools, in camogie. I didn’t get in, and that crushed me at the time, so much that I could barely be happy for two of my friends who did get in. What I did do, however, was practice super hard for the year after, when I managed to get in after all. That said, I was still really bad, and the team lost all their matches, but I think that’s OUTSIDE THE POINT THANK YOU

My point is, I don’t know if I’ve really matured any since then. In sixth class, when I didn’t get the part I desperately wanted in our class play, I burst into tears. Last year, when I didn’t win something I thought I maybe had a chance at, and someone who put a whole lot less effort into it than me did, I (almost) burst into tears. This year, I didn’t understand something in Tech Graph, got a nosebleed, had a panic attack, and burst into tears. Again.

I’m not sure what the point of this post is, maybe to show you that I’m a terrrible human being or that there’s something wrong with my tear ducts.

I always start out my posts so full of ABANDON and POTENTIAL :’)




5 thoughts on “Self Esteem and Special-ness

  1. Ciara , you are a beautiful , smart , amazing computer genius who I wish I was daily.
    You help me so much , especially at nights when I need someone to talk to.
    Never forget that I love you to bits. ❤
    And in case you think I'm some creepy stalkerish weirdo (which I am) (but shh) it's

    • And Bridget you are a wonderful, gorgeous, talented, did I mention gorgeous?, amazing musical prodigy who I just want to hug ALL THE TIME


  2. …… Gavin…… You made me nearly cry. You’re adorable, technically gifted, sweet like a marsh mellon (hehe inside Spock joke) and totally and freakin SHAMAZZZZZIIIINNGGGG!!!!!!!!! Come on, gimme hug. I wuv oo, you crazy child. ❤

  3. In all fairness, you NEARLY got the part, and you got a good part anyway. I have NO IDEA how those teachers made that decision. And you’re good-popular and you actually are smarter than me (not by much, mind :)). And you have absolutely NOTHING to cry about because you have loads of friends who love you 🙂 and no-one hates you, which is a BIG achievement.

  4. No, seriously, no-one hating you REALLY IS A BIG ACHIEVEMENT. I have at least three people who would LOVE to see me fall from glory (which I don’t actually have TOO much of, but YET is a big word here) and yeah, you’re doing great at the whole school thing, I know it’s really hard, and everyone wants to be the best, of course not everyone can, but you are well on your way. It’s unreal actually reading this post, but it’s good you wrote it. Proud of ya, garl. (No seriously, it’s MY tear ducts that are weird. They water like, 40% of the time I’m NOT crying.)

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